---
title: "A Plebeian’s Review of The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt"
description: "I tried really, really hard to get into this game."
date: 2025-05-04
tags:
  - Gaming
  - Game Review
synopsis: "I tried really, really hard to get into this game."
imageURL: /img/witcher_3/witcher3_en_screenshot_screenshot_13_1920x1080_1433341624.webp
imageAlt: "A screenshot of Geralt's scowling face."
mastodon_id: "114451612149600574"
---
The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt is a fantasy RPG in which you play as ~~Ged~~ ~~Gerd~~ ~~Gerald~~ Geralt, a super masculine generic-white-man protagonist who grumbles everything he says like Batman. Hopefully you like Geribald, because you don't get to customize him in any way. You'll control Gabriel from a third-person perspective, awkwardly hovering over his right shoulder as he trudges around wherever it is that he lives. The map is large, so in order to spare you too much trudgery Giovanni has a horse that he can ride insofar as it doesn't get stuck on any rocks, stumps, shrubbery, or especially stout blades of grass. The horse is named after an insect of some kind.

As he rides about the scenery, Grayson will run into all sorts of gurgling monsters that he will attempt to defeat by swinging one of his two swords at them: one silver, which is good for some monsters, and one steel, which is good for others, for some reason. He also has a crossbow with a fire-rate that may well be slower than his refractory period[^1]. Oh, and Gavin is also a witcher, not to be confused with something so compelling as a witch. This means that he can sometimes shoot different colored lights from his hand, and has some sort of smell-o-vision a la [Dog's Life for PS2](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcHKPjCGAX4). Combat is mostly an exercise in clicking wildly while watching needlessly acrobatic sword-swinging animations play.

I am told that the *proper* way to play this game is on the hardest difficulty, wherein the player will have the pleasure of milling about collecting various herbs and other ingredients in order to create a variety of potions and sword…oils…(?) without which completing the game is impossibly difficult. After repeatedly dying during an introductory mission escorting some sort of demon baby ten meters up a dirt path I chose instead to set the game difficulty to "Just the Story," which somehow still finds me killed time and time again on missions that the game recommends for players at or below my level.

Unlike, say,  Skyrim, talking to NPCs rarely nets Gerardo more than a wet cough, so quests are to be found at job-boards posted at each human settlement. You might think that this would discourage exploration and lower the sense of immersion in the game, but after thirteen hours of game-play to date I can say with confidence that yes, in fact it does. So in a world seemingly devoid of any interesting discoveries to be made, if guiding Roach the horse from obstruction to obstruction across the landscape while vaguely sad music plays isn't enough to keep you interested in the open world of The Witcher 3, you can skip the rather beautiful scenery altogether via the fast-travel system.

When the few of us who aren't utterly enamored with this game say anything to that effect, we're often dismissed as pedestrian and told that it's *all about the story,* so let's get into that. What I know so far is that Gideon's adopted daughter was nicked by some folk in hoods. Why? I couldn't tell you. I'm stuck trying to kill a werewolf in "Just the Story" mode so that I can progress the story. Maybe I need to craft a sword-oil or something. Honestly, I don't know that I can be bothered.

[^1]: I hear we'll find out later in the game.
